That's the claim of at least 5 female masseuses over the past 10 days! It seems that the lawsuits have been flooding in to Charlie Sheen's lawyers since one masseuse went public with the claim that Sheen's legend as a mat surfer is "a trumped-up pile of doo-doo," in the words of that complaint.
The lawsuits go on to accuse the oft-proclaimed "Malibu Mat Messiah" of a bunch of other unsavory (but fun-to-talk-about) stuff like getting naked in front of the massage therapists, etc. But that's of little concern to Surfmatters, or the fine ladies and gentlemen who frequent this site. In fact, whenever Charlie's "socially awkward" antics make it into Surfmatter's, reader hits spike to the point where our local seismographs register the shock!
(UKMS Posts in Red, Recent Charlie Sheen Post in Green...)
We spoke to Charlie's legal representation about the absurd accusation leveled against him...that he don't surf!
"The triggering event in each of the cases is Charlie's ability to drift off into hallucinatory sleep the moment he lays down in a room with a woman," his lead attorney commented. "He has been diagnosed as a high grade heterosexual / low grade narcoleptic. Apparently, Mr. Sheen is also haunted by father issues. When asleep, he imagines himself as the psychotic Army Captain in Apocalypse Now...the one who shouts at the character played by Martin Sheen. We believe that on a subconscious level, Charlie admires the Captain's power over the elder Sheen."
"Charlie's Apocalypse Now dream then morphs into the famous surfing scene, and still in his sleep, he begins to scream 'Charlie Don't Surf!!!' That well known phrase is misinterpreted by lesser-educated massage therapists as an admisssion by Charlie Sheen that he isn't a surfer...and the result is these unfortunate legal actions designed to exploit Mr. Sheen's personal wealth. It's really quite simple."
So there you have it...a perfectly rational explanation from the Sheen camp regarding these accusations!
In other Charlie Sheen news, Charlie has thoughtfully posted a sign adjacent to his private beach in Malibu warning uninitiated visitors as to the nature of the local's sartorial habits.
"It's not so much a warning...as a promise!" Charlie points out.
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