Addiction Took my Dreams and Turned them into Nightmares

This gallery shows images of me when I was between 20-24 years of age.  While I was very serious about perusing a career in modeling and fashion design, by the time these pictures were taken however, I had already been molested as a child, raped twice as a minor and had been assaulted.  While there was concern for me and advice for me to receive counseling, I never got the help I needed, not till many years later.  As a way to cope, I became an alcoholic and hard drug user. Even though these images may not show it, they are the halfway point of my 13-year drug and alcohol addiction. 

In those years, I was still able to drink and use on a semi-social basis, though things turned from “fun” to necessity quicker than I realized.  My whole world collapsed because of my own poor choices 
and because of the people I associated with.  Looking at these pictures is not easy because I see a person who really tried to succeed and wanted to get away from a bad life. 

Had I known how hard I had to work to get my life back and the struggle I would have go through, I don’t think I would have taken the chances that I have.  Drug and alcohol abuse destroyed all that I ever wanted to be in those years.

Today, I understand that I owe a tremendous debt of gratitude some really terrific people who took a chance on me and gave me a new start.  I keep those people in my thoughts and my prayers each day.  

Healthy Self-Image: Vouge Magazine Makes The Pledge

On Being a Model: The Swimsuit or Lingerie Shot Can Get You In Trouble

See this picture?   Yeah, that’s me, almost 20 years ago.  

The swimsuit or lingerie look is usually part of a model's portfolio and models are proud of this look.  But models need to watch out.  While a golden tan, great hair and a rockin’ body is what many models work hard at to accomplish, chances of getting a swimsuit or lingerie modeling gig out of it, that launches your career are pretty slim.  That is unless you’re like  Kim Kardashian and have a “Momenger” who looks out for you, or you’ve been booked a Victoria’s Secret model.


When you show people your portfolio who are not real agents, that know what they are doing, they might see a swimsuit or a lingerie shot as something models might not want them to see.  Also, if a model does not have a good manager, agent and maybe even a lawyer and people know this, you might end up at a sleazy photographer’s house or God forbid some place worse, like I did.  Unfortunately, some models do end up in these sleazy places, where they learn drug abuse and bad behavior and get taken advantage of, instead of keeping the focus on how to become a successful model.  One piece of advice here would be:  Don't hang out with models who end up in these situations, cause chances are they could get you in trouble just by hanging out with the wrong people.  

Sleazy people are easier to find while trying to find work than those who are for real.  They prey on you when you least expect it and some of these people have agencies that hardly ever book a legitimate assignment or just want to show you off in their catalogue.  Make sure that you always have somebody who cares about you watching your back and if you have pictures like this in your book, don’t make them a priority.  Put them at the end of your portfolio pages.  Not the last photo, but close to the last one.  You always want people to see your commercial looks, your close-ups and most importantly, your fashion looks. 

Agents want to see that you have a good body and that you have allure.  But always remember to study what is most important in mainstream fashion.  

(the fur in this picture in not real.)

For more images from my portfolio click here

Meth and Modeling: Dying Early and Making your Fat Look Good?

The illicit drug trade has a lot of dirty little secrets, especially in the fashion and entertainment industry. Young women in search of the “perfect size zero”, (shown in this picture), who want the emaciated skinny model look, know, that skipping meals and going to the gym alone, seldom does the trick for quickly desired results. Because of this, models seek out dangerous, life threatening methods to force their bodies into starvation to get the body they want. Case in point; recently arrested model and alleged meth trafficker Simone Farrow.

Some aspiring models like to get their exposure in the underground club scene where they also run into the underground drug trade. There they find the drugs such as meth, cocaine or ecstasy to name a few, that have the desired outer affect models may be looking for. Some models are so desperate to fit the mold of what the fashion and entertainment industry dictates in terms of body type, that they don’t care if they are doing damage to their brain and circulatory system. They just want the desired look and are willing to put their lives on the line for it.

This is a tragedy and we have to stop it. If we look at meth, loosing weight when taking meth means loosing muscle tissue and valuable nutrients and vitamins such as niacin, essential for the brain and body to function normally. While loosing muscle tissue, the fat tissue remains because when starving the body, in the first 45 days, the body uses it’s own protein resources to survive. Then it tapers off and uses some fat tissue, but really very little. For this reason we see meth addicts who stop using gain weight like crazy because they starved the body and put it into shock, now making it convert everything into fat and storing it.

Being a size zero and having an emaciated meth body, accompanied by neurological damage and behavioral problems, should not set the standard for how a model should look on the outside. Besides, if we really knew the truth about what we are looking at, we’d prefer not to look at a meth body and would rather see a healthy body with a healthy weight.