That's the word down on the beach in Malibu!
Less than a month after Charlie Sheen's latest flame -- known to the world only as "Phaedra" -- sealed her relationship with the eldest Sheen/Estavez sibling, things have taken a rocky turn. Sheen's passion for mat surfing is legend, and Phaedra came up aces in Charlie's eyes when she designed what many are saying is simply the best surf raft ever conceived.
But...that's when the trouble started!
Another mono-named, mono-maniacal character in this melodrama called "Piskian" parked himself at Sheen's front door...ostensibly in hopes of riding Phaedra's new mat. Piskian may not have scored any waves on the groundbreaking raft christened "The MaSheen," but he scored with Phaedra!
The two were seen hand in hand at a gala, red carpet opening of a new Denny's restaurant in Bellflower...
...and several days later, Ms. Phaedra was seen prancing down Roadeo Drive with a ginger child looking suspiciously like Mr. Piskian!
We caught up with Phaedra sunning herself on the beach in Malibu (sans top and looking fabulous!) and asked how she could meet a man for the first time, then be shopping a few days later with a 4 year old child fathered by that very same man.
Phaedra explained that she is indeed from the future -- just as the cuckolded Sheen has been claiming for weeks. "In the future," she said with a tinge of arrogance, "we've reduced the whole 'gestation/birth/toilet training' period to a couple of days. We sleep in a chamber that's sort of like a big microwave oven. That's all you need to know, little people of the past."
Needless to say, Charlie disapproves of these developments, and has instructed the entire population of planet Earth to put the kibosh on all of Piskian's current and future film projects.
To add to his humiliation, the distraught Sheen was forced to retain celebrity attorney Gloria Allred as his representation in any future conflicts with Phaedra.
"Allred has sued me within 15 minutes of every sexual encounter I've ever had," Charlie sighed. "Now she's on my payroll. Sometimes life sucks even more than it sucks most of the rest of the time!"
TMZ's Harvey Levin (an attorney himself!) sees the wisdom in Charlie's legal gambit. "This lady named Phaedra has the upper hand in any legal proceedings, since she's from the future and already knows the outcome of any and all events. Sheen had no choice but to join forces with Ms. Allred and employ a strategy that will minimize the damage."
Surfmatters contacted Ms. Allred and asked for her spin. "The whole thing revolves around Mr. Sheen being a victim for the first time in his life," she confided. "This is new territory for Charles, and it's a process that I have to hold his, uh, hand through."
"No way that Phadrea beatch gets her mitts on my new mat!" Charlie shouted as he walked in from the adjoining room...naked from the waist up. "And please stop calling me Charles! Jeez, Gloria, I do you a couple times, and all of a sudden now I'm the Prince of friggin' England!"
As for the vibe here at 4GF...it's a mixed bag. On one hand, we've secured the rights from Phaedra to mass-produce "The MaSheen." On the other, we're dependant on Charlie to promote a design that bears his name.
He just left a message on my cell, which might help clarify things. Let me bring it up...
"Hey arsehole! If I see one word in the international mat surfing press about The MaSheen, I'm going to blow both your balls off with poison blow gun darts!"
So with that, I guess we'll leave Phaedra and her brilliant mat design to be judged by history. Of course, cash despoits on pending orders for The MaSheen will be refunded in full...
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